29.12.2009

Imagination burning so brightly it scorches my mind. Flaming passion ignating the seed of what will be. My cheeks burn as the smile grows. It's a present I never imagined, but it's my present nevertheless.

Today's Word: Nevertheless

28.12.2009

My adventure is creeping closer. It is becoming a soon to be reality and I can't help loving every moment of it. Before it was stress, now all I see is adventure. I see possibilities and experiences waiting to happen. I see insanity lined with gorgeous beauty. I can't wait.

Today's Word: Closer

27.12.2009

My hands running across soft skin. A warm feeling. My heart beating erratically. A gentle smell. My wrist encompassed by smooth fingers. It's comfort and it's exhilarating. It's present. It's reality.

Today's Word: Mind

26.12.2009

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a little bit insane. Then I realise it really doesn't matter. Feels too good to stop it no matter what the definition might be.

Today's Word: Momentary

23.12.2009

The cold drains me of my energy. I find myself cuddling pillows and blankets, shivering and desperately trying to stay warm. Yet I am cold. But I am incredibly happy I at least do have a home, something that protects me from the outside. Protects me from the winds and the snow. Still would be even nicer if my fingers would actually stop feeling like ice-lollies.

Today's Word: Ice

22.12.2009

"You can't be afraid of life". It sounds like such obvious advice, almost bordering on stupidity, but when you think about it, when you really think about it - it's pure wisdom. We are afraid of life, most of us at least. I don't like it. But the glorious thing is I don't have to like it, I can just change it. Don't get me wrong change isn't easy, but it is possible.

Today's Word: Wise

21.12.2009

How easy darkness is to fall into. How easy it is to let go of what makes you a good person. Suddenly you are taken over by nasty, you become everything you wish you weren't. Everything you despise in others. You fall so easily, but how come it is so difficult to leave once are down there?

Today's Word: Fallen

20.12.2009

Some weeks are weirder than others, weirder than most. This week has been one of them. I can't put my finger on exactly what the weirdness contained, but snow, speeches on sperm, crazy coincidences, peculiar pains, diligent dreams and sodomising butterflies were part of it.

Today's Word: Pain

19.12.2009

You walk in your own world. Your senses slowly lulled to the rhythmical creaking of the rubber from your soles against the snow covered ground. The cold bites your cheeks, but your blood is pumping hot. You feel alive. You feel strong. It feels good.

Today's Word: Walk

18.12.2009

Currents running through my body. Restlessness settling in, claiming me as hers. I wish there was something I could do, anything. I just need something that makes me focus, focus on something that isn't abstract. I wish I was a maths person then I could have thrown myself into solving an equation or something like that. I guess I could write, but not sure if I have the words in me. Or if the words will stay in my long enough for them to become reality.

Today's Word: Restless

17.12.2009

I'm falling in love. I totally am. How is that even possible? It shouldn't be possible. Yet here I am gently cursing the Christmas break for denying my access to a person I hardly know. I've got so many more words in my head, but I should probably keep them there. Though I shall once again confirm that fortune does indeed favour the brave.

Today's Word: Brave

16.12.2009

There can be no such thing as a coincidence, not on these levels. Not really. Part of me is thrilled, the other part is scared senseless. If I truly want things to not go the way they usually does then I'm gonna have to make a move. I'm gonna have to go outside of my comfort zone, and not just a little bit. No, I'm gonna have to step far far away from my security blanket and I'm gonna have to find a courage and confidence I'm not sure I contain.

Today's Word: Courage

14.12.2009

Been watching Spanish news and I can't get over how over the top the reporters are dressed. They look more like they belong on some fashion show than to be presenting news from a comicon. The anchors though were strangely casually dressed. I don't know, but I think I kinda like it.

Today's Word: Surprised

13.12.2009

Missed writing yesterday, but then again I left so many breadcrumbs all over hte internet that if I took the time to compile them, they would be more than enough words and sentences to post in here. So shall do that, but not today. Really not today, now I shall just revel in life and then later I shall revel in being hung-over. Or I won't revel in it, I'll just feel it. And hopefully my train won't catch on fire again as I'm going home. Here's to hoping.

Today's Word; Early.

12.12.2009

A day filled with excitement and geek. A good day, a very good day. One might not have thought so as the day started with a fire on the train, but from there...from there it only went up, up and beyond. Yeah, my love of geek knows no bounds.

Today's Word: Geek

9.12.2009

Too much coffee. Almost shaking. Facebook stalking. Pondering life. Pondering cynicism. Still almost shaking. Should go to bed. Couldn't sleep if I did. Too much coffee. I need a plan. I need a project. So yeah, I'm needy, and still almost shaking.

(woke up this morning buzzing with anticipation, going to bed almost shaking with...dread?)

Today's Word: Almost

8.12.2009

Saw her again. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Her smile and simple hello made me more hyper than the coffee I ended up gulping down due to the lingering nervousness of our chance meeting. Just remembering what it felt like to look into her eyes and share a laugh makes my heart act silly. Yeah, I need to get to know her.

Today's Word: Beat

7.12.2009

I was sitting down in front of the computer reading. Then suddenly for no other reason than that what I read got my mind buzzing I actually stood up and walked around the room. I had no intentions of going anywhere, but my brain got too busy to contain it all so instead of engaging more synapses in ponderings it decided to use up some of the energy by engaging in motor-functions. Sometimes my body and mind scare me a little.

Today's Word: Combination

6.12.2009

I am such an over-grown infant or possibly fat cat. I've realised that whenever I wake up and try to get myself out of bed I always rub my tummy in some kind of relaxation/reassurance. Not sure exactly what it does, but it is part of each morning as that weird and undeniable routine that you don't seem to be able to live without.

Today's Word: Routine

5.12.2009

I find myself aiming to destroy traditions I have previously put a lot of emphasis on. I want to try to erase that strange importance we put on Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I don't get why they should be so much more important than any other days, but at the same time I can't deny that they do hold a special importance. This year I'll be working all through Christmas and I've planned on making my birthday non-existent as well. Because in reality they are nothing more than days and I'd rather have equal importance to all of them.

Today's Word: Days

4.12.2009

Another day, another set of words. Spent today thinking about how little the world appears to have changed in the past 10,000 years or so. Granted we only understand our past through our present, yet certain themes seem to be so universal and timeless that...well I'm not sure if it depresses me or fills me with hope. But I'm definitely leaning towards the negative.

Today's Word: Dwarf

3.12.2009

I've got five minutes to quickly type up some words to go with today. Not sure which ones they should be. Therefore I will simply acknowledge that today was a good day. And there is also a lot of truth to the statement that "fortune favours the brave". Hälften vågat, hälften vunnet - fast på ett bra sätt.

Today's Word: Drag

2.12.2009

I got things done today, but otherwise it wasn't the best of days. Pressure seldom makes for an ideal day, and today was all about the pressure. Did easily slip my way through the ice-track and am now one step closer to the actual driver's licence. But yeah, today have been puberty - it had to be done, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to repeat it.

Today's Word: Pressure

1.12.2009

And once again the inter-web ate my post. It just swallow my words and refused to let me transform them into memory. It's almost enough to make my eyes twitch, almost. Yeah, I so have no words left in me, so I shall leave it at this and simply go to bed.

Today's Word: No

30.11.2009

And it was then that I realised that I am content, yet I'm lost. I know who I am, yet I'm lost. I know what I want, yet I'm lost. It makes no sense, but I am thoroughly lost. I'm a shadow.

So how does one become flesh?

Today's Word: Shadow

29.11.2009

I had a very interesting discussion with M tonight, about how we seem to be suffering from a collective identity crisis. It's not completely unpleasant, and in reality we are very content in our lives. It's just...well we don't seem to be completely sure in our oddball status anymore. We're not completely sure how to relate to each other in that form. Hard to explain, but there's an individual certainty adrift in a collective sea.

Today's Word: Identity

28.11.2009

Sometimes you are just so content that it's almost a bit...I was gonna type alarming, but it's really not. All I feel at the moment is contentment. I know I'm not on top, yet I am content and feel good. Not because of any huge peaks of awesome joy, no simply because of the small pleasures adding up into a ball of pleasant tranquillity. I still want things I don't have, possibly can't have, but at the moment those thoughts are my future. Because my present is content.

Today's Word: Content

27.11.2009

Do you wish I was more of a commenter on your posts (I know I suck at this)? Do you wish for a few random music recommendations? Recommendations for links to sites on hair-removal or possibly Japanese anime history? Do you want me to write more posts on [insert topic here]?

Is there anything else you think I could produce that would make you happy? Want me to write you a poem about bananas? Picspam smexy hotness of deliciously ripe Granny Smith?

Today's Word: Deja Vu

26.11.2009

The dream in itself is pretty straightforward and is just my mind's way of telling me to believe in myself and the driver's licence will be mine, while using Sue and Prentiss to make the lesson seem like more fun. The sock part however, I really don't understand, because the amount of depression I felt in regards to having strawberry adorned socks just wasn't proportionate. Not sure what the metaphor behind it is though. Anyone know what Freud had to say concerning dream imagery of small red berries?

Today's Word: Strawberries

25.11.2009

Driving is a weird act. It gets even weirder if you add darkness and rain. As a matter of fact it's not just weird, but somewhat frightening. Yet I've made up my mind and will therefore be getting my driver's licence come January. It's all about determination. That same determination is what will assure the world to bend to my standards and truly make Baby Prentiss gay.

Today's Word: Determination

24.11.2009

Pressure, but good pressure, like in a steamy jacuzzi with glistening and tanned and flexing and pumping and....yeah, nevermind. In reality this is just a mindless attempt to fit a few more posts into the 2009 archive of this blog. If you feel like this is a worthy cause then upload your 12 pictures describing the past year and lets all look at them and laugh ourselves silly while we engage in a brilliant example of virtual exhibitionism.

Today's Word: Odd

23.11.2009

My thoughts exactly. However I do also think that the Quest-kiss was the first move and that was clearly initiated by Xena. But I think that was more a spur of the moment thing where she needed to move beyond words. However any second move towards greater intimacy must come from Gabrielle.

Today's Word: Epic

22.11.2009

I seriously dislike how people always expect you to have time. It is as if you should constantly be available for them, no matter what. And then as you become snippy as they've invaded your time and energies they act surprised. I don't get that. I really don't.

Today's Word: Annoying

21.11.2009

Also yesterday, after 12 weeks of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of daily radiation my dad finally ended his treatment. The tumours are still there, but they have shrunk and there are no signs of it having spread anywhere else. The doctors deemed it a success. Not out of the woods, but the radiation and chemo will stay in his body and will continue breaking down the tumours and there is a lot of good hope to be had. Best damn health news in months.

Today's Word: Good

20.11.2009

I guess I shouldn't dwell on its origin, cause no matter where it came from its an image and a feeling I treasure. It isn't entirely positive and it isn't entirely negative. It's just that complex feeling of living, and there's breathtaking beauty to be found in that sensation of life.

Today's Word: Hope

19.11.2009

Due to the symbiosis also known as Shell I found myself vicariously reliving Los Hombres de Paco after gently suggesting she'd give it a go. In turn she got me (wasn't that much "got-ing" needed) to rewatch it alongside her and I felt like immortalising the squeefest. Therefore I hereby present a list of my top 5 PepSi scenes in the form of a series of picspams. However we shall start the series with the runnerups.

Today's Word: Spam

18.11.2009

Ape -- Co-Founder of LSE says:
   not really no, my dimple is actually starting to aching from the smiling from the squee-fists alone
-ache
Shell - Co-Founder of LSE says:
   Who'd have thought we'd go gaga over a spanish model, eh?
Ape -- Co-Founder of LSE says:
   I know, I mean I don't find models attractive
   I can see a type of beauty in them
   but I don't find them attractive
 until now

Today's Word: Attraction

17.11.2009

I don't seem to have many words in me today. I've spent the better part of it squeeing alongside Shell, and our conversation has been fairly limited to a lot of "awws" and "oh so pretties". Perhaps not very productive, but thoroughly enjoyable.

Today's Word: Pretty

16.11.2009

"No one has to believe it but us."

You seldom understand how much you truly cherish or has missed something until it is returned to you. As you then revel in having it back you are faced with how empty your life was without it. And life is empty without friends. Very empty.

Today's Word: Friends

15.11.2009

It's funny how much better one fits when you let yourself be yourself. Lately I've been having problems "fitting" into family gatherings. They've felt a little bit forced and I've somehow ended up feeling strangely empty and lonely. Like I'm the sore thumb. Today I realise what's been missing, me being me. The more queer and gay I let myself be in their company, the more I feel like I actually fit. I fit by not fitting. I can't really explain it, but lets just say it is better being yourself than dressing up to fit the people around you. Because in reality the people around you won't know how to deal with you unless you are yourself. At least when the people in question are family.

Today's Word: Family

14.11.2009

“I can’t do this anymore, Xena,” she said looking up at the figure above her. Unable to continue suppressing the tears the green eyes quickly filled and spilt over. Her pain taking on liquid form and slowly ascended down her cheeks. “I can’t.” She closed her eyes, restrained by her own pain.

Silently kneeling next to the crying blonde Xena looked on, unsure as to what she could do, what she should do. Meanwhile trapped in what she wouldn’t do.

Around them the small village was burning,

Today's Word: Fanfic

13.11.2009

I was pondering if my love of the hypertext had anything to do with our shared sense of hyper. Then I realise it's really just a love of text, any kind of text. I can't quite explain it, but it's an undeniable attraction. So yeah, this is me coming out as a texsexual (which is not the same thing as texsex mind you).

Today's Word: Text

12.11.2009

Jag började städa mitt rum imorse och efter ett tag började min far att stirra storögt på mig. Till slut kunde jag inte hantera mera stirr utan utbrast, "Vad!?". Då kontrade han med ett, "Vad gör du?". Jag mumblade lite lätt tjurigt att jag höll på att städa. Då begav han sig genast mot baklådan (där vi har alla våra pennor och dyrlikt). Det var då min tur att fråga, "Vad gör du?". Med ett större flin än Jokern svarade han att han behövde ju en penna så han kunde rita kors i taket.

Today's Word: Family

11.11.2009

I've watched over 15,000 videos on YouTube, and that's only counting the vids I've watched when logged onto my account. It should also be noted that this is my second account. Realising that kinda thrills, chills and fulfills me. Here's 25 out of the 15,000.

Today's Word: Watch

10.11.2009

Not only does it make sure smaller amounts of nutrition will last an individual longer, but it will also open up the possibility of a larger population sustained on the same amount. Not to mention the shortage of viable land to live on, with a smaller size also comes a larger geographical freedom. Which in turn made me think about human beings, is dwarfism perhaps the way to go? Or is it simply one step in the right direction? Wouldn't an ideal development of Homo Sapiens have us grow smaller in statue? I mean our technology is so advanced that our physical size matters very little, or it would if we stopped focusing on tall and muscular as an ideal. Will human beings one day be the size of rats?

Today's Word: Small

9.11.2009

I've got nothing to add really, it's just such an incredibly warped concept to wrap your head around. A country, a city was divided into two, literally and geographically. It's just...and then thinking about the wall crumbling, opening up a closed world. And all of it happening very recently.

Yeah, like I said no words, but definitely worth studying and remembering.

Today's Word: Remembrance

8.11.2009

Firstly the intentional "can't get enough" is O+S' Lonely Ghost. Simply can't get enough of this gorgeous song and I listen to it almost daily. Secondly we have the song that's been stalking me, Beyonce's Halo. This song follows me around like a faithful puppy-dog, and the thing is, I kinda like it. I'd never put it on intentionally, but still I've got a weak spot for it. Thirdly we have the song that currently will not let me go no matter what, I wake up with it dancing through my mind and it sings me to sleep at night, Dolly Parton's Touch Your Woman.

Today's Word: Music

7.11.2009

Either way I was thoroughly entertained by this cheesy and corny Spanish soap/crime-show/comedy. It was fun and refreshing to see something new, something rather different from what I am used to. It was also very refreshing to see a same-sex couple get as much open affection and sexing time on a mainstream show as the hetero ones. But what will truly stay with me is the fact that they didn't cover up the torso when they autopsied women. We got to see dead boobs, and that doesn't happen every day.

Today's Word: Spanish

5.11.2009

Laura Holt introduced me to feminism. Or that isn’t completely true, 9 to 5 introduced me to feminism, but it was Laura Holt who thoroughly educated me in the concept. She is one of those incredibly strong and determined women that you would be a fool not to admire. Not only did she know what she wanted, but she made sure nothing, not even other peoples’ expectations could or would stand in her way.

Today's Word: Admire

4.11.2009

I actually wrote a lot of shit yesterday, it's just a shame I can't post any of it until I've handed in and had my essay and home exams graded. Ah, well. What is a day without words anyhow? It is a day that doesn't exist, kinda. And randomly, but the internet is a gay place, it totally is.

Today's Word: Place

2.11.2009

I am forcer.

That’s the way I’ve always wanted my autobiography to start. I wanted it to be a dark tale, one of those stories that sent shivers down your back. One of those stories that makes you sick to your stomach. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I’ve always wanted. Unfortunately that’s never how it ends.

Today's Word: Silly

30.10.2009

I had written a nice little post on the beauty of laugh lines and the beauty of this world we live in. I had written about how much it made you feel, how much it made you want to live. Unfortunately the Internet robbed me of those words. So I shall simply use this time to remind myself of a promise I made to myself. If I meet her again, if she is alone - then I will take the opportunity. Then I must take the opportunity. Just a few words. But I need those words cause she tickles me. Something about her attracts me on more levels than one.

Today's Word: Promise

29.10.2009

Nothing can make me feel as good as music. Or well to be honest there are a lot of things that probably can, could and would, but still music is amazing. Some of it just caresses your soul in ways that are downright tickling. It doesn't matter what you are doing at a specific time, but listen to this one track and suddenly your entire mood is changed. It's almost like a sort of possession really.

Today's Word: Music

28.10.2009

My libido woke up today. It was a weird little experience. Right there in the middle of a seminar I was scanning through my fellow students, just letting my eyes run over them while we discussed body ideals and there in the middle of it BOOM. I was minding my own business as this very attractive woman let her hand run across the cleavage of her shirt. My eyes automatically followed her movements and I found myself squeezing my pencil till my knuckles turned very white at the decidedly naughty thoughts gazing upon her gave me. It was embarrassing because I was so damn obvious in my unintentional ogling, but it was also fun to see that my libido does still work in relation to "reality".

Today's Work: Libido

27.10.2009

I just sneezed. Totally uncool when you are in a public place with friends who know and understand the more complex parts of your sneezing. Worst thing is that I was actually editing a sentence discussing Ladycops reference to Better Than Chocolate. So totally uncool. Especially the looks of knowing I am now getting.

Today's Word: Public

26.10.2009

I've realised my subtext blog no longer feel like my own. So many people have laid eyes on it that somehow it is no longer my baby. Now it just exists out there, linked to me, but no longer that close bond between virtual lovers. No, now it is just something fun, something from the past, something that's mutated and slipped out of my hands. I think I need to post a new post in it very soon.

Today's Word: Strangers

25.10.2009

Eye-twitch. My family is really working that nerve. I know I'm short tempered and I know I've been in a foul mood lately, but damnit they really are working on my last nerve. No matter what I do it's wrong. I get shit for not doing enough things. I get shit because I am doing too much stuff. I just get shit. And for some reason these people who are supposed to know me better than anyone (or at least had the longest time to figure me out) don't seem to realise that the only way for me to not be exploding is for them to back off and for me to be left alone. If only for a day.

Today's Word: Twitch

24.10.2009

Today I backed into a door handle (weird fucking handles that are way too high up for my liking) with such force that I actually knocked the air out of my lungs. I now have a massive bruise between my shoulder blades and it hurts whenever I lean back. And all I want to do after a day at work is to lean back and relax. I can lean back, but the relaxing doesn't happen, only pain.

Today's Word: Clumsy

23.10.2009

Sometimes you have to wonder if it isn't all in your mind. Or if your mind simply is a strangely prophetic organ/tool. Weather it be croquet, cowgirls or fanfic updates, that mind of yours, or mine at least seems to sense it coming. It is a bit freaky, but absolutely wonderful. Therefore I will firmly hold onto the idea of spurs and chaps. One day.

Today's Word: Bent

21.10.2009

It is a kind of liberation through breaking down taboos, showing that there is no danger in displaying openness in regards to sexuality, and more importantly sexuality is not as serious as the heteronormative at times presents it to be, rather it is simply another part of life to be made fun off. And by ridiculing it in this self-deprecating over-the-top way a visibility is created which can work to familiarise a mainstream audience with same-sex sexuality and affection, and in turn can disarming this “alternative” sexuality of its potentially exotic and dangerous elements.

Today's Word: Sex

20.10.2009

Who knew a white t-shirt could instil so many naughty thoughts, but it can. Seriously, there is something in the way that pristinely white cotton is touching skin that sets the mind a-buzzing with potential and ideas. All of a more or less naughty variety. And it tickles and teases the mind with what could be, what is beneath that starched shirt, and it makes you worship at the altars of female masculinity.

Today's Word: White

19.10.2099

I woke up this morning and felt an intense need to squee-cap and be a proper fangirl. I grabbed hold of that feeling with both hands and a couple of toes. Therefore I would like to present you with a Christina Cox picspam from last night's episode of Dexter (4x04). Obviously the following spam is filled with spoilers for that episode and about her character, so proceed at your own risk. Now lets start with the pretty.

Today's Word: Pretty

18.10.2009

Sobering up is very similar to taking a shower, on several levels. Once your brain is calming down from the intoxication and slowly coming back to it's normal state something happens. Something happens and all those thoughts usually hidden are revealed.

The stars made me happy. The are more real than anything you can imagine. And the greatest illusion you'll ever know.

Today's Word: Stars

17.10.2009

Sometimes it is good to stand out in a crowd. I can't help wondering if that's the reason I do enjoy straighties so much. It is like an immediate stand-out and there's nothing you have to do beyond breathing and having the occasional same-sex attraction sneeze. Easy like very simple pie. I like it. At times.

Today's Word: Straight

16.10.2009

There is so much negativity in the world, and at times it truly baffles me. Don't get me wrong, I can feel down, out and blue, but I don't like to linger on it. I can't see what possible positive outcome could be found in worshipping negativism and all the things that go. No, not in a world that bends to my deliciously twisted mind. No, in a world like that I much rather celebrate positivism.

Today's Word: Positive

15.10.2009

Some days are just days. There is nothing that stands out. There is nothing that is truly memorable. Today was kinda one of them. The only noticeable thing is my google-fame. There is geeky pride involved with being on the first page of a google image search on "Fury Leika".

Today's Word: Fame

14.10.2009

However I am not yet ready to leave the N&N craze, but decided to change up the quote a bit. And since I've already devote large parts of this thread to gush about various luscious femslash goodness I see no reason to stop now. So while waiting to see CC in a uniform I shall simply enjoy coming back here and enjoy the perfect-est screencap in the history of lesbonic entertainment involving toothpicks.

Today's Word: Toothpick

13.10.2009

This is a silly piece that took its start in me wanting to write a Fury Leika/Jen Crane femslash piece (and needing a respite from reading about violence against the female body), but quickly turned into an ode of henching and 21 and 24. So yes, comedy (though not sure anyone will actually find it funny), and you should preferably have watched Whedon's Dr Horrible and read this this character summary to even begin to find it remotely funny. Also there will be some language in there.

Today's Word: Silly

12.10.2009

I'm discovering Dollhouse again. It is strange how something that a few months ago just didn't feel right now suddenly feels all kinds of right. I think I needed the break though. Before my preconceived notions of both Whedon and Dushku might have tainted the picture I was seeing. Now getting back into it without any expectations I suddenly find love all over the place. And it makes me realise what Whedon does so well, human relationships of all kinds. Say what you want about the man, but he can build interesting and complex and strangely real relationships.

Today's Word: Doll

11.10.2009

Darkness is depressing. I used to be able to find comfort and joy in the dark hours, now it is just a pain. It truly is interesting to what an extent the dark effects our moods. I used to be able to get up this early, and earlier when it the sun had already risen. Now it is a fight, a true struggle to actually pull onself out of the warm bed and into the cold reality.

Today's Word: Dark

10.10.2009

Did another one of those ADIML thingies yesterday, and formatted it and made it presentable today. There is something almost hypnotically relaxing about creating one of these long blog posts. All the formatting, tinkering with layout and wording. And basically just making it...perfect. Or as close to perfect that you'll get. It takes time, but it also disables the brain from other types of thinking. It is a most pleasant feeling.

Today's Word: Hypnotic

9.10.2009

ADHD you devilish fiend. I can't hate it, cause it is part of me, or well of course I could hate it, but I don't care for self-loathing long term. But it does mess with ones life, something terribly. From those small things of not being able to sit through a meeting without intense fidgeting to those more acute things such as not remembering things of importance. Then there is that whole matter of disinterest vs hyper focus. It is a neverending battle.

Today's Word: Battle

8.10.2009

Children are precious. They are also incredibly unnerving and patience testing. I can't understand the energy and dedication my aunt has that allows her to take care of 4 and at times 6 children, at the same time. It's just...yeah I don't have words for. And my dad without a moustache that is another thing I do not have words for. He looks so naked.

Today's Word: Speechless

7.10.2009

While enjoying myself immensely as I browsed the site (and found free downloadable copies of their books! - and yes I am totally thinking about downloading the one about fatherhood and twins) I also found my new favourite category of books, Superromance. I kid you not, there is such a genre. It does not include supermen or mutants, but is simply a kind of romance so super it deserves it's own genre.

Today's Word: Filth

6.10.2009

With my father on the other hand, now that is more of a challenge I could enjoy. There are more extremes, more complexities and dysfunctionalities involved in our relationship. Enough for me to want to give it a shot. To improve and develop. Even out the sharp edges. I feel like I could possibly add something in that role, something I could never add while playing the role of mother. I'm not saying it's logical, but it's my truth nevertheless.

Today's Word: Fatherhood

5.10.2009

Sometimes it is really hard to remember to write. I have the best of intentions, but the mind simply is too tired to put ideas into practicallity. It's a shame, because it would be kinda amazing to have a true record of each and every day. Perhaps all I need is practice. It is like a small way of practicing self-discipline. Like spending five minutes a day on top of a chair. Yeah, perhaps that is what I need to be doing, making sure my self-discipline is increased.

Today's Word: Self-discipline

2.10.2009

It is interesting that always when you learn about homosexuality and the history of it, you always learn it from a heteronormative point of view. It is never about the development of it as a community and the creation of value systems and languages. No, it is always about how the hetero world has classified, contained and controlled. It is a cautionary tale of how the straighties must accept and incorporate. Homosexuality isn't always about how the heteronormative reacts and acts towards it, it is actually an entire culture that could be studied in its own right.

Today's Word: Homosexuality

1.10.2009

Today I started a Gender Studies course on "Sexualities and Bodies" and we got asked to think about how we defined sexuality and our own relation to it. Unlike some of the wet behind the ears 18 year olds on the course, I have spent quite a lot of time contemplating both the concept as well as my own experiences of it. However it did spur my mind into a thinking frenzy and I realise how big an influence Nationalism as an ideology is on the gay community. And after a very interesting discussion with Mos the parallels only became more conspicuous.

Today's Word: Nationalism

30.09.2009

I don't know why, but I am tired. A bit listless. I should be having loads of energy, but am only feeling slightly beige, and not in a good way. Not sure where it comes from and not sure that reading a Harlequin romance novel is the way to get myself out of my funk, but it is what I do. It's actually kinda funny, like a really badly written piece of fanfic. Only in swedish and not nearly enough lesbians. But I guess it will have to do while I am desperately waiting for updates to Lex Talionis.

Today's Word: Reading

28.09.2009

I almost forgot today's words. Been engaging in so many different kinds of entertainment today that my own promises to myself sorta faded. Or perhaps it is just because of the really bad mood I've been in for most of the day. Something that only changed after I got my abs spanked in an exercise class. After that it's been a beautiful day. As I was biking home I was showered in a rain of leaves. Autumn really can be breathtakingly beautiful when it puts in some effort.

Today's Word: Fickle

27.09.2009

Utterly blank. That's been my mind today. Not a single thought beyond the immediate future. It is scary and I really don't like it. I had gotten so used to living in daydreams and finding adventure in the mundane, I'm not ready to head into a dark period again. I like thinking, I like it a lot. So I'm really, really hoping this is an anomaly and that soon I will be back in my living dreamscapes.

Today's Word: Nothing

26.09.2009

I look at her. So fragile. So vulnerable. I should know better, but I hate the tubes and wires for violating her. Her body is supposed to be private, it is supposed to be hers, mine, something we share. Now it is forced to endure metal and plastic penetrating and distorting, taking away her independence. Making our shared secret lay naked, twisted and public in a hospital bed.

Today's Word: Fragile

25.09.2009

Why is my brain so stuck on repeat? I don't know why, but I am never satisfied living something once, I need to relive it over and over and over again. It's part of that hyper focus thing where I obsess about something and can't stop doing it. It's the same when it comes to memories, habits, food and entertainment. I cling to something and cannot make myself stop doing whatever it is, whether it be watching a show to reading a fanfic or having chilli  peppers with each and every meal.

Today's Word: Stuck

23.09.2009

Enthralled by the black, almost pupilless eyes Jen stood as if petrified. “Loneliness is the ugliest there is. Nothing is as disgusting as those who leave,” Fury snarl. Unbidden Jen’s hands come down to cover the cold hands on her hips, subconsciously rubbing the pale skin, trying to infuse some warmth into it.

Today's Word: Experience

22.09.2009

Obsession. It is sweet, sugary sweet. Wraps you up in a web of suffocating honey. It is pointless to resist, to even try to resist. So I will just be soaking it up instead. Revelling in the obsession, my hyper-ness. Currently that means I'm revelling in Christina Cox. She attracts and fascinates me. The mystery, the eyes, the voice draws me in and forces me to focus on them to an extent that is almost a little bit embarrassing. Still I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today's Word: Attraction

21.09.2009

Knowing you have a short temper doesn't make it any longer, unfortunately. I have one, an incredibly short one. It is one of my many faults, but when I'm in one of my moods, looking at me the wrong way will set me off, and it does set me off. I explode in peoples faces and storm off like a petulant teenager. It isn't pleasant, in fact it is something I am rather ashamed off, but I can't help it. I've always been like this and I don't know how I would go about changing it.

Today's Word: Anger

20.09.2009

Finally the dull crack of a staff hitting flesh and impacting with bone echoed through camp. Gabrielle went down, a cry of pain bursting through her lips as she stumbled onto the dead ground beneath them. Hovering above her opponent Xena watched Gabrielle’s shallow breathing. The blonde keeping her face pressed against the cracked dirt, trying to quell the nausea bubbling inside of her.

Today's Word: Muse

19.09.2009

Geek ups the gay. It is a not so well-known fact, but I think it is a fact nevertheless. Not sure exactly why or how, but there is something about geek that trumps gay. Don't get me wrong gay is awesome, but if the geek element of gay is removed you suddenly have...Otalia. It's just not the same thing, and it is not nearly as much fun. No give me geek over gay any day. Though the ideal combination is of course both of them in the same basket, so to speak.

Today's Word: Geek

18.09.2009

I believe. I so believe. The only problem is that patience is an inherited part of any type of believing. I suck at patience. Which is weird cause I'm not really into instant gratification either. No I'm a slow sucker. Still I suck at patience. Anyhow, I still believe and I shall continue believing, because one day the world will have formed to my liking.

Today's Word: Believe

17.09.2009

Where is the Academic passion? And how can I find it? Nothing seems to upset me in my field of study. I do not agree with a lot of what's been written, but there is nothing that I feel offended by. In fact a lot of it I seriously disagree with but love to read anyhow because it expands my own perspectives and forces you to ponder. But this lack of hatred or intense dislike might also be a sign that I don't truly love anything either. How do I find the love? What is Academic passion and how do I go about igniting it within myself?

16.09.2009

I had a dream last night. The plot of the dream was...strange at best, but what stuck with my was one specific feeling. There was this one moment where I was trying to comfort a most attractive woman. As always comfort is a bitch, but for some reason I reached out for her hands, and she allowed me to hold hers. That dream moment felt so incredibly real and at the same time that touch felt like nothing I had every felt before. Somehow it feels strangely ironic that I today cannot get my fingers warm, they are absolutely freezing cold.

Today's Word: Hands

15.09.2009

Cancer changes nothing. It isn't a nightmare, it is just life. And life continues on as before, there's just new elements to it. You are still the same people, and you still have the same relationships. I know it is serious, but I think at times the seriousness is stressed to such a degree that you force yourself to live the nightmare instead of enjoying the life. You can never know what is gonna happen, but darkness is only frightening if you allow it to be. I prefer to see it as a challenge instead.

Today's Word: Challenge

14.09.2009

I have vices. Milk is one of them. I don't fully understand it, I just live it. There is something about milk that soothes the soul, relaxes the brain. It's like a blanket of pleasurably innocent memories of contentment. I sit back, I relax and I slowly let the cold liquid find its way down my throat, into the gurgling pit that is my stomach. And once it is there, I have my satisfaction. Only problem is once your satisfaction slowly fades away and all that is left is a nasty case of milk-breath.

Today's Word: Milk

12.09.2009

Today at work I came across a man sitting in a closet playing the violin. It was a soothing and strangely eerie sound at the same time. I found myself linger outside, because even though it sent chills down my spine he was playing beautifully.

Then I overheard the nurses discussing a trip one of them were going on. What are the odds that a nurse from this small city of mine will be going to New Orleans around the same time I am!? Granted Mardi Gras is a tourist attraction, but still it rather forcefully drives home the point of it's a small world.

And to top it all off I have gone around pondering Lobster Erotica all day. All because of a failure to communicate yesterday due to accents and loud traffic. No matter I can't shake the idea of lobster erotica.

Today's Word: Coincidence

(after the fact)

11.09.2009

See I always preferred to interpret the One True Love comment a little differently. I think Marcus was a true love. As a matter of fact I actually think he is the first person she loved unconditionally after the death of her brother. Their love might not have been everlasting or even destined in the stars, but it was a true love based on emotion and not intention, the way love should be - true love. That's not the same as him being her one and only love or soulmate.

Today's Word: Soulmate


(posted after the fact)

10.09.2009

"The Sapphic Nuclear Power Plant of Love" - aww, that would make for a great spin-off. For some reason I keep envisioning Fembots and sharks with freakin' lasers on their heads. I just don't know if the somewhat career oriented biologist Jen will be happy simply living as the First Lady. Perhaps she needs to genetically engineer a new race of super hamsters, or possibly work on perfecting cloning...or whatever it is biologists do. Either way the Plant of Love totally needs a fully stocked laboratory and an anti-gravity room. Oh, oh, perhaps they can rent out the lab part time and Jen can work alongside Dr Frank N Furter. The anti-gravity room on the other hand is merely for recreational purposes.

Today's Word: Fun

(written on the day, posted after the fact)

9.09.2009

Any day when you wake up with a blinding smile on your lips has a lot of potential. Today is one of those days. I don’t know if it is because of the joint hyper-spell I had with Shell last night or if it is the prospect of having dinner with my friends tonight. Or if perhaps it is because of those insane Fury Leika (Dr Horrible)/Jen Crane (Defying Gravity) thoughts that Shell planted in my head last night. No matter what it is, today is full of potential. I intend to enjoy the potential.

Today’s Word: Potential

8.09.2009

It is a bent bent world. Truly. If you want and will the world to form to your wishes, it does. Or at least mine does. It is a glorious thing to live in a world which transform and morphs to fit your needs. So to discover an article this morning where Liz Vassey discuss Ladycops, Christina Cox attractiveness, the genius that is Joss Whedon and the importance of boobs – how can you not be happy?! I like the fulfillment of my needs. It is good.

Today’s Word: Yay

7.09.2009

To find that one thing, that one thing that makes you burn. You just go along, minding your own business and then suddenly – BOOM – BANG - you are hit by inspiration and perfection. You’ve been adrift in this waste ocean called life, not sure which direction you truly wanted to go in. Then there it is, that one thing you have been looking for, but haven’t been able to name. I found it, I actually found it. Now my next project will be getting my ass to Manchester to do a Masters in the Archaeology of Identity.

Today’s Word: Perfection

6.09.2009

Realising I have nothing to give in a relationship. I am fickle, short-tempered, forget traditional moments of celebration and the pressure of true commitment forces me into inaction. I make a good friend, a good sister and daughter. I have something to give when I play those roles, I can actually add something to someone’s life. I would have nothing whatsoever to add to a person’s life as their significant other. Nothing besides frustration and heartbreak. It is a strange thing to realise.

Today’s Word: Punch

5.09.2009

Then there are days were you have no energy, where the words strain your very soul. It almost hurts to force them out of you. Currently living a daydream, and not ready to put it into words. To be honest I don’t know if this daydream deserves to be morphed into actual words on a paper. Some of them just work better inside your skull. It is for my own pleasure, it is a form of mental training. I create a world, I populate it, I make my mind perform synapses my reality denies me.

Today’s Word: Hunt

4.09.2009

I’m eager. I’m always eager as a project starts, when the obsession is still inside of me, cruising my brain. The problems appear once my mind wanders and it does so easily wander off into nothingness and everything. It’s like an old nosy lady with her nose all over other peoples’ business. However while it lasts I shall eagerly soak it up and enjoy the temporary dedication. As well as slap myself and find a routine which will ensure this goes beyond my concept of forever (which would consist of a year or two).

Today’s Word: Velvet

3.09.2009

I’m burning with inspiration after having spent time looking through Jamie Livingston’s Photo A Day collection. I don’t know what to do with the inspiration, I just know that his dedication and preservation of memories is making me want to do something similar. He is inspiring me. The people he met, photographed and lived alongside – they are all inspiring me. Legacy is a strange and rather amazing concept, I think I want to be a part of it.

Today's Word: Legacy